At some point in our lives, we learn the areas we excel as well as the areas that need improvement. Some people learn this at 18, others learn it at their 40′s, but everyone learns it at some point.
In my case, I have realized that I could use some improvements in my people skill, but I’ve spent my majority of 20′s ignoring it. Despite my honest, rude and outspoken personality, I have always had friends. I didn’t have tons of friends, but there has always been a few who appreciated for who I am.
Past few years, I’ve put in a considerable amount of effort to change this. I’ve asked people how their weekends were, and trust me, I am never interested in listening to them brag about their fancy lifestyles. I’ve swallowed the most truthful words so their feelings wouldn’t hurt. I’ve helped those who don’t deserve to be helped without asking for anything in return because that’s what a socially accepted good person would do. I thought my life would go on fine and I will fit right in the circle of cool people. I thought it was worth living with a mask on. But the epiphany always kicks in at the moment you are not expecting.
Lately, a series of unfortunate events took place around me, and involving me. I was disappointed at few people and I am sure they were equally disappointed at me. This is a sort of problems I didn’t have to deal with back when I didn’t involve myself to other people’s problems.
I didn’t forget those who have been on my side during my personal hardships, and what truly hurts me is I wasn’t there when they needed me because I probably was too busy trying to be socially fit into one of the superficial groups.
The bottom line: I am tired of it.
I am tired of partaking in casual conversations with people who aren’t truly interested in me. I am tired of maintaining the shallow relationship with the shallow people. If or when I leave the town for good, I am certain that the majority of the people I talk to on daily basis won’t be in touch with me. So does it or does it not make sense to spend every minute of the remaining days with the people you actually care and care for you?
I will admit that I am slowly losing confidence in engaging in casual social interaction. I may not actually be allergic to it, but I have been in the mood to avoid it. I have been doing my best to avoid events with a large number of acquaintances. I have been picking up a crazy amount of work to have an excuse to avoid them. I wear headphones at work so people don’t bother me. I wrote on Facebook that I gave up excessive talking for Lent and I was half way joking (the Lent part, I am not Jewish.)
I had my ears, eyes and mouth shut for the past few weeks and quite amusingly, my life was quite alright.
The lesson I have learnt is that I can’t change who I really am. I will always be the caring person for the people I like (in my own twisted ways). Sadly, I have a lot more people that I dislike, but I am going to accept that it is just part of what makes who I am.
I truly miss the days I could say “Shove your pathetic problems up your ass, and no, I didn’t get to read How to be socially acceptable for dummies yet.” I have grown up a bit since then, so I wouldn’t actually say that out loud. Thanks god you can’t read my mind.